December 10, 2007

Death is Depressing (And Many More... on Channel Four)

So I just got done listening to the latest SModcast (yes, the same thing my fellow Blogger fell in love with this summer. I'm addicted now too). They spent a decent chunk of time discussion what they would do if they found out they had 48 hours left to grieve. Being who they are, it got into some random shit, but it was still a rather depressing topic.

The very concept of death scares the shit out of me. I'm still on the fence about the whole religion thing, but what happens to me after I die will not be a deciding factor. When I was about 10, I cried for about half an hour cause the idea of living forever, even in heaven, terrified me to no end. It still does. But the idea that you die and that's the end of our conscious being isn't much better.  That's some heavy shit for me.

And for whatever reason this keeps popping into my head as of late. It's probably the most depressing thing I could think about, and it keeps pushing its way in these last couple weeks for whatever reason. I always tell myself, "You're only 20, get the hell over it. You're supposed to be scared, its a long way off." But at the same time it's been really hard for me to get my head around the fact that I'm no longer a teenager (As of 4 hours ago. Happy Birthday to me!!!!). Life is coming up fast.

I've been waiting my whole life to get out there and be my own person on my own terms. I don't want to leave my mark on the history of the world. I just want to enjoy life.

Maybe it's cause I've never been allowed to grow up gradually like a normal kid. I tend to get huge doses of reality shoved at me all at once, forcing me to grow up early and fast, and then lock into that for a while. Suddenly I can understand more clearly why people want male children to pass on the family name, why people panic about not having accomplished what they wanted in life yet, that sort stuff. I'm having an early mid-life crisis. So more of a quarter-life crisis.

People around me tend to wave off twenty. "Oh, 21 is the important one." Just cause I can't legally consume alcohol now, doesn't mean 21 is gonna be a big deal. That shouldn't be a news flash to most. Twenty for me is more of a milestone in the same way 40 is. It's a mile marker. An even 1/4. The end of childhood quarter. I'm 25% done with life (assuming all goes as expected). Perspective is an odd thing, huh.

Here's the next twenty years, I guess. Probably my most productive. And here's to dreams. Both the ones I'm about to have, and the ones I'm about to try and achieve.

P.S. Being legal in Indiana strip clubs is a bigger deal than alcohol. I'm legal now in Kentucky, though.